“Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.” Teddy Roosevelt
This is true in every relationship and circumstance in life. As humans, we are driven by self-interest. For example, we don’t follow a leader because of the leader. No, we follow a leader because of ourselves! We become passionate, we fight and die for a leader when that leader fights for our interests. Looking at it another way, we never really fight for a leader. We fight for our interests. The leader happens to be the best channel to procure those interests.
I’ve already said somewhere that everybody is a leader in some way and a follower in other ways. We are always influencing and are being influenced by others.
In every relationship, the person who cares for us is the one who fights for our interests. The question is, how does one quickly identify the person who cares?
There are five traits common among all people who care. I had written the first version of this article using the mnemonic C.A.R.E.S to describe the traits of a person who cares a few years before reading Rollnick and Miller’s book on Motivational Interviewing (MI). I wrote my version of the article after years of working with orphans, vulnerable children, and poor people. I had been influenced by the kind of Agape love that Christ taught and sought to practically interpret his challenge to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Miller and Rollnick wrote their book after years of counseling and working with substance abuse patients. When I read their book, their description of the Spirit of Motivational interviewing as having the elements of partnership, acceptance, compassion, and evocation, I updated my article to include elements of evocation(Miller and Rollnick 2012, ch2). The idea of acceptance had been in my original article but was stated differently and their work helped me further develop that with support from the work of Carl Rogers. Miller and Rollnick’s writing affirmed and put into words the heart I had when I first wrote my article on the traits of a person who cares. I believe that these traits should describe the spirit (heart) and mindset that motivates all our interactions and collaborations with other human beings.
Compassion
“When he[Jesus] saw the crowds, he had compassion on them” (Mat 9:36 NIV).
Compassion comes from the Latin prefix “com-“, which means together, and the suffix “pati”, which means, to suffer. Combined, it means to suffer with or to suffer together. Compassion is a deep awareness of the suffering of another accompanied by the wish to relieve it. For example, when a compassionate person sees someone in pain, he feels the pain as though he himself were subjected to it. But that’s not the end. He does something to alleviate the pain. Compassion is love in action.
Acceptance
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you” (Rom 15:7 NIV).
Acceptance doesn’t mean approval. According to Carl Rogers acceptance includes 1) recognizing and prizing the absolute inherent worth of every person, 2) Affirmation, 3) Accurate Empathy, 4) Autonomy.
Respectful Partnership
“Show proper respect to everyone” (1 Peter 2:17 NIV).
Respect means a few things. First, it means the acceptance of others (as noted above, especially the element of recognizing autonomy). Second, it means considering their values to be as important as yours even if they are different from yours. Respect is the first principle of aid. Third, it means that when you work with others, you see yourself as a facilitator, not an expert. If you are working with patients, the patient is the focus and a self-expert. Respect means you see your work as a collaboration between experts.
Respectful partnership/collaboration means working with others not as an expert who tries to solve their problems or correct their thinking but as an equal. You are both experts. The patient is a self-expert and as a helper, you also bring your expertise along.
Empathic Listening and Evocation
“Everyone should be quick to listen” (James 1:19 NIV).
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another’s situation. Empathic listening is key to showing empathy. Empathic listening is listening with the intent to understand. In the words of Stephen Covey, it is “seeking first to understand, to really understand.” Covey says, “Empathic (from empathy) listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel.” It’s important to remember that empathic listening doesn’t mean that you agree with someone. It simply means that you truly understand them at the deepest level of the soul (heart, mind+emotions, relationally). As Covey points out in the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy is a form of agreement, a form of judgment. And it [sympathy] is sometimes the more appropriate emotion and response. But people often feed on sympathy. It makes them dependent.”
Evocation means to call forth, draw forth, or draw out as from a well. Evocation seeks to draw out or call forth the person’s own motivation and commitment to change.
Service
To serve is to put the needs and interests of others before your own. It means sacrificing yourself on behalf of others. Service means using your time, treasures, and talents to help those in need. Serving is giving beyond what is required.
When you have these five traits, people will know that you care and will care about what you know. If your vision aligns with theirs, they will passionately follow you and live and die with you. They will do so because of their interests, not because of you.
Bibliography
Covey, Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. Miami: Mango Media, 2016. Kindle edition.
Rollnick, Stephen, and Willam R. Miller. Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change. New York: Guilford Press, 2012. Kindle Edition.
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