“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“If you bow at all, bow low.”–Chinese proverb
Conflict exists everywhere. We are either in a conflict now, just got out of a conflict, or about to get into one. As humans, we make mistakes. Miscommunication is pervasive and causes many conflicts. Many people have never experienced the freedom of repentance and forgiveness. Why? It’s often because they never learned how to make a sincere and believable confession.
Yet, what often hurts very much is not merely that the actions of another caused harm to us but the fact that they didn’t take responsibility for their actions and genuinely apologized. Many times, when we do recognize the pain we’ve caused and choose to apologize, our apologies leave much to be desired. Our apologies are often so poorly stated that they leave our victims thinking that either we haven’t recognized the depth of the harm that our actions have caused them or we don’t have the humility to acknowledge it. At other times, they are left wondering if we have the intention of doing something to make sure such actions don’t repeat themselves.
I genuinely believe that many people don’t apologize well because they don’t know how to. No one has taught them how to apologize effectively. This post will provide you with the knowledge you need to make effective apologies that restore relationships and leave your relatives encouraged, not hopeless or frustrated. It is possible to transform conflict into something that strengthens your relationships and leaves them better than there were before the conflict surfaced. An effective apology is an excellent tool for doing that.
Effective apologies not only restore relationships, strengthen them, and build trust, but they also bring freedom to those who have hurt others. Unfortunately, as the author, Ken Sande says, “Many people have never experienced this freedom because they have never learned how to confess their wrongs honestly and unconditionally. Instead, they use words like these: “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” “Let’s just forget the past.” “I suppose I could have done a better job.” “I guess it’s not all your fault.” These token statements rarely trigger genuine forgiveness and reconciliation.”
When I conduct research, my wife (Ellen) usually serves as a sounding board. One day, I asked Ellen what someone would need to include in an apology to make it easy for her to forgive them. In about 20-30 seconds, she told me the following. And keep in mind that she hasn’t done any research on the subject. She simply told me what would make it easy for her to forgive a person that has hurt her.
“I want you to:
- Acknowledge the hurt.
- Say what you’ve done wrong.
- Take steps to make things right.
- Say what you’ll do to keep it from happening again.”
Guess what? As I have studied and researched the topic of repentance and forgiveness, I have discovered that over and over again, people say some variations of the same things. The research strongly supports what took Ellen about half a minute to voice. There is a lot of literature on the subject. Something I’ve noticed is that, as in the case of my wife, it’s very easy for us to spot an apology that is done genuinely from one that isn’t. It’s also very easy for us, as humans, to quickly say what a good apology to us would entail. The trouble comes when we have to give an apology to someone else. Many times, even when we are sincere, we forget how to go about it. We don’t know what to say. Below, I share an approach based on solid research and evidence that will help anyone be able to apologize effectively.
7 Signs Your Confession (or Apology) is Genuine and Effective
Several years ago (in 2012-2013), after doing a study on conflict transformation, I consolidated what I had learned into a mnemonic that I call a “Forgiveness SPEECH.” For years now, I’ve taught students in my conflict transformation and negotiation course at Servants University and many others how to apologize effectively by saying a Forgiveness SPEECH.
Forgiveness SPEECH is a mnemonic that represents the seven essential elements of an effective apology or confession.
1. Forgiveness. Ask for Forgiveness
The goal of an apology is to request forgiveness so that a hurt that has been caused would be repaired and a relationship that was broken by your actions could be fully restored. I recommend that you begin a forgiveness SPEECH with a statement indicating that you would like to ask that person for forgiveness and then end it with a question that asks if they could find it in their heart to forgive you. Between the opening and the closing sentences should appear the remaining elements of the SPEECH acrostic. Starting by saying you would like to ask for their forgiveness gets their attention and lets them know that you believe you were wrong. You are not merely trying to rationalize your actions. The first sentence in your written forgiveness SPEECH could be something like, “I would like to ask for your forgiveness.” The last sentence could be, “would you please forgive me?” or “Can you please find it in your heart to forgive me?”
2. Specific Sin. Specify your sin.
Specifically acknowledge your sin; Show how you were wrong and why); Acknowledge that you violated natural/moral laws, social norms, or expectations.
Take full responsibility and say, “I was wrong.” But don’t end there, specifically cite/acknowledge the natural/moral laws, bible verses, social norms, or expectations that you violated. That helps the other person know that you have truly realized that you erred. Simply saying you were wrong without knowing why you were wrong doesn’t offer any hope to the other person that you are not going to repeat that wrong in the future.
You may start by saying, “I was wrong…” or another way that leads you to specifically acknowledge your sin. When the prodigal son came to his senses and returned to his father, he said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” He showed that he had broken both God’s law and sinned against his father.
3. Pain. Acknowledge the emotional pain you’ve caused; Show Empathy.
Acknowledge the pain/suffering you’ve caused and say, “I’m sorry” to express regret for causing the hurt.
Sorrow is a feeling of deep sadness or regret. Regret the suffering caused by your actions; Be sorry for the pain you’ve caused. People who have been hurt want to see the offender express sorrow and show remorse for doing what they did. As such, all good apologies include a statement of regret for one’s actions. Talk about how it must have made them feel. The humiliation, hurt, disappointment, etc., and express regret for it.
Validate/affirm their feelings
Empathy is understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another person. It is putting ourselves in their shoes and feeling their feelings. We are emotional beings and find it difficult to forgive people who don’t show us that they understand the emotional harm they have caused us. That’s why a key aspect of an effective apology is to validate the other person’s feelings.
4. Eliminate “if, but, and maybe” (conditional language)
When you say you were wrong, avoid words like if, maybe, but, perhaps, I guess, etc. Don’t use any language that excuses your actions, shifts the blame to others, or shares the blame with others. Avoid words that appear to minimize your actions, cast doubt on the fact that they have been hurt by your actions, or show reluctance on your part to accept full responsibility for what you have done. Everything you say should shout, “I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong.” In addition to saying you were wrong, say why. You were wrong because you violated a natural/moral law or some social norm. Say so. Don’t beat around the bush or use euphemisms. I recommend that people not even use a phrase like “drop the ball.” That seems to lighten the intensity of what happened. In many cases, dropping the ball is not a big deal. If you are going to apologize, act as if you realize that it is a serious thing you have done and say unconditionally, “I was wrong…”
5. Everyone. Address Everyone Involved.
To whom should you apologize? To everyone affected by your sin. You should directly address everyone directly affected by your actions. That includes everyone who is aware of the sin. It’s not enough to address only the person directly hurt. You also should address everyone else who witnessed what you did. For example, if you are rude to your spouse in front of your kids, then you will need to apologize to your spouse for being rude to him/her. After that, apologize to your kids for modeling a bad example for them to follow.
If you disrespected someone in front of all their peers, telling them that you’ve told their friends how wrong you were and asked them to forgive you for disrespecting the victim will go a long way to show that you feel sorry. In some way, it removes the disgrace/shame they feel from being disrespected in front of their peers.
6. Consequences and Compensation (Restitute)
Right the wrong, repair the damage.
Take responsibility for the consequences of your actions and offer compensation (restitution) when possible. Apologizing or saying sorry is not a way to avoid taking responsibility for fixing the mess you created. At this point, state clearly–and mean it–that you are willing and ready to accept any consequences that may follow as a result of your offense and offer to make restitution. Don’t ask if they want compensation; make them an offer for compensation that is commensurate to the damage. For example, if one of my kids hurts someone, he will need to say a Forgiveness SPEECH. However, that doesn’t liberate him from all the consequences of his actions. He may still get disciplined in some way as a corrective measure, not a punishment, for his actions. The same is true for adults. If you did something that hurt your spouse, saying a Forgiveness SPEECH doesn’t free you from all the consequences. You may still be disciplined in some way. If you crash into someone’s car and cause him to miss an appointment, it is not enough to apologize. You need to insist on repairing his car back to the condition it was before you crashed into it. Accepting the consequences is how one takes responsibility for his actions. You should always take responsibility and when restitution can be made, offer to do so.
7. Habit Change (Repent)
What habits will you change, or what steps will you take to make sure that it never happens again?
True repentance is a heart change that leads to a habit change. Change your mind(heart) and show proof to others through your changed habits. We must bear fruit in keeping with our repentance. Promise to change the bad habits that led to your poor behavior (actions or attitudes). In my research on this subject, I’ve discovered that people are willing to forgive others. However, they don’t want them repeating the same actions and hurting them over and over again. As such, a clear statement of habit change and what you’ll do to avoid hurting them again goes a long way to tell them that you really are sorry for hurting them.
The key to an effective apology is that it must be both honest and unconditional. You have to humbly and thoroughly admit all your wrongs, without making any excuses.
I recommend that people write a forgiveness SPEECH out and rehearse it before going to say it to the person they have hurt. When you have learned to use the above framework, it doesn’t take long to write a forgiveness SPEECH. Writing it shows respect for the person you have hurt. An apology rightly delivered and meant goes a long way.
What if someone doesn’t immediately forgive you?
You have no right to judge or hurry him/her for taking some time to deal with the harm you have done before they can find it in their heart to forgive you. If they take time, then simply continue to act in accordance with your apology, show by the way you act that you are sorry. Make amends or restitution when possible, and wait.
Related Article: What other scholars have to say.
SMART Apologies
A good apology should also be SMART. That means it should be:
- Specific. When you apologize, be specific, not vague.
- Measurable. It should have a clear beginning and end. Apologizing is like a goal. When you have done it well, you should be able to measure success. If you feel that it wasn’t a success, you should speak to the person about it and ask them if they could help you discover what was missing from your apology. Your goal should be to incorporate anything you learn into an apology that gets the job done and expresses to the person that you are genuinely sorry for what you did.
- Audacious (Authentic). When it comes to apologizing, audacity happens when you are truly authentic. Brené Brown, a researcher and author on vulnerability, courage, and shame, has noted that “Courage is borne out of vulnerability, not strength.” You are audacious during your apology when you are completely vulnerable and authentic. That takes tremendous humility.
- Realistic. Don’t promise to do things that you can’t possibly do. E.g., Don’t promise to make restitution in ways that you couldn’t possibly fulfill.
- Timely: Your timing has to be right. An apology given too quickly could be perceived as inauthentic. On the other hand, if you apologize too late, it can cause further hurt and anger and might not be received well.
5Ws and 1H
It helps to consider the 5Ws or 1H to make sure you are not missing anything.
- Why: Why should you apologize? Consider carefully why you should apologize. Make sure your motivation is not self-serving. Your apology should come from the heart and should be something you do simply because it is the right thing to do, not because it is expedient and not because you are afraid to lose the relationship and any attaining benefits.
- What: What should you say (and not say)? Consider carefully what you will say. For this, use the Forgiveness SPEECH mnemonic.
- Who: To whom should you apologize? To everyone affected by your sin. You should directly address everyone directly affected by your actions. That includes everyone who is aware of the sin. It’s not enough to address only the person directly hurt. You also should address everyone else who witnessed what you did. For example, if you are rude to your spouse in front of your kids, then you will need to apologize to your spouse for being rude to him/her. After that, apologize to your kids for modeling a bad example for them to follow.
- When: When should you apologize? See timely above.
- Where: Where should you apologize? Consider the location carefully. Face-to-face is best unless there are concerns that the other person is volatile and the situation could devolve into violence. If not use a phone and reserve texting or email for when face-to-face or telephone will not work.
- How: How should you do it? Write the forgiveness SPEECH down, memorize, and rehearse it before you go to say it. See where above.
Resources that may help
- Guy Winch, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts (London: Penguin, 2013), 120-135.
- Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (Ada: Baker Books, 2004), 126-134.
- Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2013), 20-82.
- How to Apologize, Mind Tools; https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/how-to-apologize.htm Last Accessed 12/31/2019
- The Three Parts of an Effective Apology; http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_three_parts_of_an_effective_apology Last Accessed 12/31/2019
About the Author
